What Goblin Kings Don't Do
by CoffeeKris
Summary: It's what the title says it is. Idea taken from fellow author the lovely Shadow-D'hampyr. Was a one-shot but is now a two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

**CoffeeKris: Ok, so I know I said that if I got reviews for my other story that I might continue it…but I****'****m at a roadblock with it and don****'****t know where to go. BUT this lil oneshot popped into my noodle after another writer said in her story she should make a fic about What Goblin Kings Don****'****t Do. I can****'****t remember who it was, but they get the credit for the idea. Anyway, here it is.**

**Disclaimer:   
**What CoffeeKrises Don't Do : Does not own Labyrinth or characters thereof.

In the 13th row from the floor, positioned exactly 4 books away from the right hand side of the middle window in the King's library there is a very important book. It isn't much to look at, it's made of worn leather, the pages are musty and it has no decoration save for the title. The book is exactly 40 thousand, 8 hundred, 1 day, 13 hours, 5 minutes and 8 seconds old. Though that has already changed but I digress. Inside of this book is an extensive list handed down throughout the generations, it's contents document the non-activities of each past ruler and update the non-activities of the current one. The title of the book is quite simply _**What Goblin Kings Don**__**'**__**t Do**_.

It was originally a joke from a long forgotten nobleman to the first Goblin King (though the joke was not particularly well received and they say that if you should chance to walk past that particular nobleman's grave you can still smell the bog of eternal stench from his tomb).

At this moment it is 13 years, 5 months, 6 days, 1 hour, and 1 minute since Sarah Williams bested the Goblin King. Which would make it 2 years, 5 months, 6 days, 1 hour, since the re-introduction of the Goblin King into Sarah's life and the sub sequential courtship of the two; the story of which is held within the book on the 10th row from the floor, exactly 60 books away from the hinge side of the left door to the library. Sarah has in her hands at this moment, _**What Goblin Kings Don**__**'**__**t Do**_, and it seems that she's finally come to the chapter of the current ruler.

_**Jareth yr Tylluan  
Current Goblin King**_

_**Does not accept defeat gracefully.**_

_**Does not beg.**_

_**Does not cower.**_

_**Does not fumble, fall or act in an ungraceful manner.**_

_**Does not hide. ( He eludes)**_

_**Does not belch or exhibit flatulence.**_

_**Does not sweat. (He perspires)**_

_**Does not trip, tumble or stumble.**_

_**Does not cry.**_

_**Does not eat meat cakes.**_

_**Does not partake in Goblin Ale. (He did once and ended up flying into the castle turret)**_

_**Does not drink and fly. (see above for explanation)**_

By this point in the chapter, aforementioned King has entered the library and has raised an eyebrow at Sarah's muffled giggles.

"What are you reading that's so amusing, Sarah?" he asks. She looks over at him and raises the book so he can see the title. He reads it and rolls his eyes in irritation at the book's existence. Sarah glances at the last page as new words have just appeared.

_**Does not know how to get Sarah Williams away from the book in her hands.**_

She grins.

"Jareth, it says here that you don't belch or exhibit flatulence…but how is that possible? Every human does that."

"True Sarah, but I'm not human. I'm Fae."

Sarah looks down at the page again.

_**Does not tell Sarah Williams that**__**'**__**s what the Bog of Eternal Stench is for.**_

"Ewww!" she says, wrinkling her nose. Jareth glares at her.

"My being Fae suddenly disgusts you?"

Sarah shakes her head and hands him the book, he reads the words and growls. As he does so, new words appear.

_**Does not like this book.**_

"Stupid bloody book!" he snaps. New words appear.

_**Does not care that inanimate objects cannot be stupid.**_

"Now really, that's just ridiculous." Jareth snarls at the book. New words.

_**Does not find this book amusing.**_

_**Does not understand the humour of this book.**_

Jareth lets out a cry of irritation and throws the book into the fireplace which is lit with a small comforting blaze and looks to Sarah who is giggling from his tirade.

"Would you care to accompany me for a walk in the gardens?" he asks. She nods and they leave. But if they had stayed they would've seen that the book in the fireplace is quite untouched by the flames and upon the last page are new words.

_**Does not know this book is fire proof.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**CoffeeKris: I know this fic was finished a long time ago, but I re-read it today and it was just too much fun to leave. So I wrote another chapter. After all, it's such a good book.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Labyrinth or it's characters, but I do own the snaky book.**

It has been exactly eight months, five days, and ten hours and three minutes since the Goblin King tossed _**What Goblin Kings Don't Do**_ into the fire. In that time he has since married Sarah Williams, who is now Sarah yr Tylluan, though she and her husband use the last name of King when Aboveground. (Jareth thought they should just use the English translation of his surname but Sarah refused to go by the name of Sarah of Owl, even though Jareth pointed out that's what her new surname really means anyway.)

Currently, the Goblin King is pouring over some paperwork in the Library. This paperwork really should have been done approximately four years ago, however our Goblin King was loathe to do paperwork while he was busy courting Sarah. That being said, Jareth has made wonderful progress on the paperwork thus far. He only has one year, six months worth left to finish. 

The Library has gotten very cold, as it is rather late at night, the King is considering lighting a fire. He would get one of the servants to do it, but they are all asleep. Normally he would use magic, but he's fairly tired as it is and doesn't feel the need to expend his energy in something that is easily accomplished by hand. So he walks to the fireplace, tosses a few logs in, but what's this? There seems to be a book in the fireplace…it isn't burnt. Curious to why this book seems to be lounging among the ashes of past fires, the Goblin King opens it.

The book just so happens to open up to the last page.

_**Does not know this book is fire proof.**_

_**Does not remember tossing this book into the fire.**_

He growls, he had forgotten about the damn book. But he remembers now. The last words on the page change.

_**Does not remember tossing this book into the fire(he does now)**_

He holds the book up and contemplates how to destroy it.

_**Does not know this book is indestructible.**_

He scowls at the book and begins to think of places he could toss the book. Perhaps and oubliette, or the bog of eternal stench.

_**Does not know this book has a 'cat came back' enchantment upon it. **_

Scowling again he dismisses the idea of the bog.

_**Does not want the Library to smell.**_

Despite his absolute loathing of the book, the Goblin King smiles slightly.

"Jareth?"

He looks to the doorway where Sarah is yawning and rubbing her eyes.

"Sarah shouldn't you be in bed, you've been ill."

He looks down at the book again.

_**Does not know Sarah yr Tylluan could not sleep without her husband beside her.**_

He smiles and looks at his wife who is now leaning against the doorframe looking at him with sleepy eyes.

"I couldn't sleep. Are you coming to bed?"

"Shortly. Go back to bed love, you'll never get well if you don't get your rest."

Sarah furrows her eyebrows and shifts against the doorframe.

"Jareth, I'm not sick."

He looks perplexed.

"What?"

She takes a deep breath.

"I was gonna tell you in the morning…" she is cut off by another yawn. 

He looks down at the book.

_**Does not know Sarah yr Tylluan is pregnant.**_

His jaw drops, his eyes go wide and he looks at his wife, who by this time is practically asleep against the doorframe. Suddenly a large smile makes it's way onto his face and he tosses the book aside. Moving to the doorway, he sweeps his wife into his arms.

"Jareth?" she murmurs in confusion. He smiles and presses a kiss to her cheek as he carries her to their bedroom.

"Shh love, it's time we all went to bed."

Our Goblin King is indescribably pleased. While the poor book lies, forgotten, on the floor of the Library with two new statements upon it's pages.

_**Does not completely hate this book.**_

_**Does not know Sarah yr Tylluan is going to have twins.**_


End file.
